I am 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am trying to figure out how exactly I feel about it. I can easily describe my feelings up to this point:
4 weeks pregnant: The doctor called my husband and then Mike called me. I told Michael right away, I was not peeing on sticks anymore, as I was refusing to hear more bad news. Now he was going to be my filter. Unlike me who received a “no” at least fifty times, Mike received a “no” only once. Twice he got lucky. He called me to announce I was pregnant. My heart skipped a bit, like that other time, and I asked him to repeat it 3 more times. He gladly did. I thought I was going to miscarry that moment from all the excitement I was feeling.
4 weeks and 20 minutes pregnant: I am no longer happy. I feel like I am going to miscarry again. I am listening to my body aching here and hurting there, promising the period any minute now.
5 weeks pregnant: Those 7 days lasted for a year. No happiness whatsoever. Not even a drop. Fear to miscarry again dominating over my body and soul. I am literally almost depressed and hating myself for that.
5 weeks and 6 days pregnant: Discovering my boobs are no longer sore (my only pregnancy symptom). Bursting into tears, explaining Mike I miscarried. Mike is happy: Look, you are emotional, another great pregnancy sign! A comment that, of course, adds more tears.
6 weeks pregnant: There is a heartbeat! A real heartbeat, with a sound and a chart and everything! The sonogram took 35 seconds. But that sound, me first time hearing the heartbeat of my son, is still so vivid in my memory.
6 weeks and 22 hours pregnant: Tomorrow is my birthday. Waking up at 10PM to go to the bathroom. Peeing. Feeling a familiar feeling of blood pouring out together with urine. Looking inside a toilet – it’s full of blood. Next comes pain. A period pain. A miscarriage pain. The pain is so bad I lay on the cold bathroom floor and can’t move. I am bleeding right on the bathroom floor tiles. I cry, I can’t breathe, I am scared, I am confused, I am devastated, I don’t understand what is happening. I heard his heartbeat 14 hours ago. My husband is starting to panic, asking me what to do and how to help. I don’t know. I am able to tell him to call an ambulance and tell them I am having a bad miscarriage. 30 minutes later, they are taking me to the hospital. It’s 11 PM. My birthday is in an hour. The pain is almost gone, but I am numb inside. They look at my vagina, they check my cervix, they take more blood out of my uterus with their hands. They are rolling me into a sonogram room. The sonogram lady is so nice, but I couldn’t care less. And then she says: Happy birthday mama! Here is your baby safe and sound, and here is their beautiful heartbeat – stronger than in the morning! We are in disbelief. We are stuck at the hospital until 5 AM. I am so tired, still in pain, happy, relieved. Throw up right there by the bed into a garbage bin. A kind nurse suggests having some crackers with ginger ale and sends us home.
Weeks 6 and 1 day through week 13: Living from sonogram to sonogram. My sonograms are once a week, and every week last for a year. After week 9 I think I feel something like happiness. After week 10, happiness with a bit of confidence. After week 11, brave enough to tell Mike’s parents I am pregnant. After week 12, to tell my brother the good news. After week 13, to tell the rest of the family. Still very shaky, still scared, but definitely happy and dreamy.
Week 13-16: Stopped bleeding. Ultrasound confirmed we were having a boy. Tests showed he was perfectly healthy. We went to Grand Cayman for a week. After we came back, I felt the baby for the first time, and so did Mike! Having him feel the baby for the first time is still my happiest memory from the whole pregnancy so far.
And now here we are at week 22. The baby is kicking and growing, I finally have a little bump. And I even am a proud owner of a Snoogle the pregnancy pillow. What I feel towards my pregnancy and my baby is not that simple to describe. I feel relief. Excitement. Disbelief. Happiness. Prudence. But most of all, I feel love. I do not love the pregnancy as it is hiding my baby from me. But I love my child. I cannot wait to hold him, healthy and strong, in my hands. I cannot wait to look at him, to talk to him, to tell him how long I have been waiting for him. I cannot wait until I see what he looks like. To hear what he sounds like. To learn what he smells like. I cannot wait to be a mother.
And this is why I started this blog. I want to make sure I AM a good mother. I want to see what I am like from the side, and to become a better parent.
22 weeks pregnant. 18 weeks to motherhood!
4 weeks pregnant: The doctor called my husband and then Mike called me. I told Michael right away, I was not peeing on sticks anymore, as I was refusing to hear more bad news. Now he was going to be my filter. Unlike me who received a “no” at least fifty times, Mike received a “no” only once. Twice he got lucky. He called me to announce I was pregnant. My heart skipped a bit, like that other time, and I asked him to repeat it 3 more times. He gladly did. I thought I was going to miscarry that moment from all the excitement I was feeling.
4 weeks and 20 minutes pregnant: I am no longer happy. I feel like I am going to miscarry again. I am listening to my body aching here and hurting there, promising the period any minute now.
5 weeks pregnant: Those 7 days lasted for a year. No happiness whatsoever. Not even a drop. Fear to miscarry again dominating over my body and soul. I am literally almost depressed and hating myself for that.
5 weeks and 6 days pregnant: Discovering my boobs are no longer sore (my only pregnancy symptom). Bursting into tears, explaining Mike I miscarried. Mike is happy: Look, you are emotional, another great pregnancy sign! A comment that, of course, adds more tears.
6 weeks pregnant: There is a heartbeat! A real heartbeat, with a sound and a chart and everything! The sonogram took 35 seconds. But that sound, me first time hearing the heartbeat of my son, is still so vivid in my memory.
6 weeks and 22 hours pregnant: Tomorrow is my birthday. Waking up at 10PM to go to the bathroom. Peeing. Feeling a familiar feeling of blood pouring out together with urine. Looking inside a toilet – it’s full of blood. Next comes pain. A period pain. A miscarriage pain. The pain is so bad I lay on the cold bathroom floor and can’t move. I am bleeding right on the bathroom floor tiles. I cry, I can’t breathe, I am scared, I am confused, I am devastated, I don’t understand what is happening. I heard his heartbeat 14 hours ago. My husband is starting to panic, asking me what to do and how to help. I don’t know. I am able to tell him to call an ambulance and tell them I am having a bad miscarriage. 30 minutes later, they are taking me to the hospital. It’s 11 PM. My birthday is in an hour. The pain is almost gone, but I am numb inside. They look at my vagina, they check my cervix, they take more blood out of my uterus with their hands. They are rolling me into a sonogram room. The sonogram lady is so nice, but I couldn’t care less. And then she says: Happy birthday mama! Here is your baby safe and sound, and here is their beautiful heartbeat – stronger than in the morning! We are in disbelief. We are stuck at the hospital until 5 AM. I am so tired, still in pain, happy, relieved. Throw up right there by the bed into a garbage bin. A kind nurse suggests having some crackers with ginger ale and sends us home.
Weeks 6 and 1 day through week 13: Living from sonogram to sonogram. My sonograms are once a week, and every week last for a year. After week 9 I think I feel something like happiness. After week 10, happiness with a bit of confidence. After week 11, brave enough to tell Mike’s parents I am pregnant. After week 12, to tell my brother the good news. After week 13, to tell the rest of the family. Still very shaky, still scared, but definitely happy and dreamy.
Week 13-16: Stopped bleeding. Ultrasound confirmed we were having a boy. Tests showed he was perfectly healthy. We went to Grand Cayman for a week. After we came back, I felt the baby for the first time, and so did Mike! Having him feel the baby for the first time is still my happiest memory from the whole pregnancy so far.
And now here we are at week 22. The baby is kicking and growing, I finally have a little bump. And I even am a proud owner of a Snoogle the pregnancy pillow. What I feel towards my pregnancy and my baby is not that simple to describe. I feel relief. Excitement. Disbelief. Happiness. Prudence. But most of all, I feel love. I do not love the pregnancy as it is hiding my baby from me. But I love my child. I cannot wait to hold him, healthy and strong, in my hands. I cannot wait to look at him, to talk to him, to tell him how long I have been waiting for him. I cannot wait until I see what he looks like. To hear what he sounds like. To learn what he smells like. I cannot wait to be a mother.
And this is why I started this blog. I want to make sure I AM a good mother. I want to see what I am like from the side, and to become a better parent.
22 weeks pregnant. 18 weeks to motherhood!
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